“You used to be fun.”
Ouch. Used to? I used to be fun? As in, I’m not anymore?
Gotta love conversations with teenagers. Except it didn’t come from our teenagers – it was an in-passing comment from my husband.
I pulled up my good ole instagram account and began looking through my old posts (including all my archived ones too). One by one, I started reminiscing about the things we used to do or say…like our nicknames for each other – pumpkin and squash. Original, I know. Yet, even now, it’s making me smile just thinking about it. I was cleaning out the file cabinet in my office and came across a folder containing sentimental items. I found the love notes I would hide in my hubby’s lunch bag – and his written responses.
Somewhere along the way, life became a bit more serious. Between 2016 and 2020, I was on a rollercoaster that I desperately needed to exit – but I couldn’t walk away because our whole life was entwined in that journey. Leaving that rollercoaster would mean that we would be walking away from everything we loved and lived for – and most importantly, the place God had planted us. Staying planted where God put us was a non-negotiable in our lives. We would live thriving, or die trying – but we weren’t moving without God’s directive.
In that time, I realized that everything I did was at the approval/disapproval of anyone else. I had forgotten how to have fun and enjoy the life I was living. So, I started a blog…and a YouTube channel. I loved it! It gave me a little creative outlet and helped me to view myself as a regular human being – not just a robot. Then it happened.
Judgement.
All of a sudden, people who had their own perception of me began using phrases like ‘you are an embarrassment (to me)’ or ‘do you really think God approves of you’ and so on and so on. For some reason, certain people have had viewpoints that pastors and leaders in Christian ministry can’t express themselves as regular people who love God and also like fashion, working out, makeup, etc. Comments and things like that made me question whether it was possible to be in ministry and still have fun in life. I started to set aside my creativity because I know God has planted me in full-time ministry. Live thriving, or die trying.
However!
Anyone who has been in full-time ministry understands that it is a life that has the utmost fulfillment, but also has times of great sorrow and exhaustion. I often chuckle at the Apostle Paul when he stated that he was hard-pressed between staying here and doing God’s will or departing to be with Christ (see Philippians 1:23-26). Ministry life is beautiful, but also challenging. Being with Christ is everything we live for. If you set aside the creativity that God instilled inside of you, it can make things much harder to deal with. Like Paul, I say, for your sake, I’m going to live thriving, or die trying.
Judgement from others will always be there. If you live by their praises, you’ll die by their criticism. It’s true. Be who God has created you to be – and know that you can enjoy that life.
22 years ago, I made specific vows to my husband – to be a God-fearing woman of integrity, virtue, uprightness of character and excellence of spirit, AND to make a comfortable home for him. Joy and happiness is all part of that. My focus in this next season is to incorporate more laughter into our everyday personal and ministerial lives – which means he’s probably going to hear a lot more about random things that make me smile. As if I already don’t talk enough.
Rowena Francis 